Potter Puppet Driver's Ed
by WeirdnessTimesTwo
Summary: We had a guest author help us with this story. Anyway, the puppet pals attempt to learn how to drive and end up doing everything but learn to drive. Just read and enjoy. Disclaimer: We don't own HP or PPP.


POTTER PUPPET DRIVER'S  ED

HERMIONE: Harry, can you stop trying to get Seamus to say "They're after my Lucky Charms"?

HARRY: No, I'll get him to say it even if it's by force. *Holds jumper cables*

RON: Are you going to use those for your nipples?

HARRY: No, we're puppets. We don't have nipples!

RON: Oh well, who wants to see my present from Dumblycakes?

*random limo approaches the children*

SNOOTY LIMO DRIVER: Have you children seen Ms. Piras Hotlin? She's been missing for three years.

VOLDEMORT: I did the world a favor now, Avada Kedavra! *kills Snooty Limo Driver*

RON: Now's my chance to kill Voldemort, Abra Cadabra!

VOLDEMORT: Wow, you suck at killing.

HARRY: Did you honestly think that _you'd _be the one to kill Voldemort?

RON: My mommy said I could do whatever I want, if I set my mind to it.

HARRY: You're mother is a lying cactus!

HERMIONE: If your mother is a cactus, then how could she talk?

RON: She is NOT A CACTUS!

*Piras Hotlin reawakens as a zombie*

RON: How is she waking up?

PIRAS ZOMBIE: I've got such a hangover. *looks in mirror* Why am I a zombie? This is so not hot.

RON: That's not what I meant to do at all! *runs off*

SNAPE: No one ruins my fun. Avada Kedavra. *rekills Piras* Next time, I kill the gay ginger.

HERMIONE: Which one?

GINNY: I am not a lesbian!

HERMIONE: Then what's with that haircut?

GINNY: Harry told me to get it!

RON: Someone's got repressed homosexual tendencies on his hands.

HARRY: Shut up, Ron! I'm the only straight character in these stories!

NEVILLE: But what about me, I like girls.

HARRY: You're a necrophiliac so you don't count.

NEVILLE: At least I'm not allergic to butterflies anymore.

*awkward silence*

*sometime later*

SNAPE: *to Ron* What were you doing bringing my Piras corpse back to life?

RON: I didn't mean to reawaken your sexually abused corpse; I was trying to kill Voldemort with Abra Cadabra.

SNAPE: *now appears in an elf costume* I really hate my life.

DUMBLEDORE: Oooh, Giggles! I thought you only appeared around Christmas time.

SNAPE: Sir, it's me, Severus Snape.

DUMBLEDORE: You don't look like my grandson, you have a nose. My grandson looks more like Voldemort.

SNAPE: No, the gay ginger used this spell to put me in his elf costume.

DUMBLEDORE: Snape, did you take funny candy again?

SNAPE: If I took funny candy, why would I be in this miserable elf costume? Could this day get any worse?

*Harry and Hermione enter*

HARRY, RON, AND HERMIONE: *bothering Snape* Bother, bother, bother, bother, bother…

SNAPE: That was a rhetorical question, not a challenge.

HARRY: You should always prepare for our harassment! Anyway, what's with the elf costume?

SNAPE: The orange rainbow did this to me.

RON: All I did was say Abra Cadabra.

HARRY: Aaaah! *realizes he's had an unwanted gender swap with Hermione, who looks exactly the same* I have luscious breasts now!

HERMIONE: Dammit! I've got a penis again!

GINNY: Yay! That proves that I'm straight!

HARRY: Dammit, the one time I want her to be a lesbian!

MALFOY: *noticing female Harry* Oh, hey sexy, want me to buy you lots of free stuff with my wads of cash?

HARRY: *thinking* This is the perfect opportunity to make Malfoy go bankrupt…and get tons of free stuff. *speaking in a high female voice* Alright, let's go.

*Cut to Potter Puppet mall*

HARRY: *points to random expensive objects* I want this and this and this and this and this…

MALFOY: Are you trying to make me go bankrupt?

HARRY: Maybe…

*In Malfoy's room*

MALFOY: Come on! I buy you all this free shit and you're not even going to put out!

HARRY: That would be uncomfortable for the both of us and everyone knows I'm just a tease! Anyway, I have to leave now!

MALFOY: YOU JUST GOT HERE!

HARRY: I have to go feed Seamus!

MALFOY: What do you feed him?

HARRY: Lucky Charms!

*Meanwhile at Hogwarts*

RON: Now that everyone's happy…

SNAPE: It's a miracle! I'M HAPPY!

HERMIONE: Courtesy of funny candy.

RON: As I was saying, can someone tell me what that thing is? *points to limo*

HERMIONE: Using my above average intelligence to logically deduce the situation, I would say that it is a transportation device due to the fact that strange little creepy man got out of the device after it stopped moving.

HARRY: Even I know what a car is, wouldn't you know that if you were truly muggle-born?

HERMIONE: According to Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, I was actually vampire-born and kidnapped by muggles. Actually, that's everyone's backstory, now that I think about it.

HARRY: How are vampires wizards?

RON: What's a backstory?

VOLDEMORT: Why is everyone just ignoring me?

HERMIONE: You're not really all that important to the story. Every time you show up, we do our own thing and you go away.

VOLDEMORT: Shut up, little boy! I didn't ask you?

HERMIONE: I'm a gir-Oh wait, never mind.

RON: I'm gonna try again, abra kadabra *kills Voldemort*

EVERYONE: YAAAAAY!

NEVILLE: Can I pair _him_ with the Piras corpse?

*awkward silence*

HARRY: We're not even filming a porno yet!

RON: So, what's a car?

HARRY: Doesn't your dad have a flying car? And didn't we drive it once?

RON: Oh, that's what a car is! I didn't know what it was called! I thought it was called a Twinkie!

HARRY: A Twinkie is a delicious cream-filled golden snack cake, it tastes better when it's deep fried and covered in chocolate!

RON: Is it like a penis?

HERMIONE: You've deep fried a penis and covered it in chocolate?

RON: Dumblycakes and I do that all the time!

HERMIONE: Wouldn't that hurt?

RON: Well, considering ours are so small…

HARRY: TMI, Let's talk about cars!

HERMIONE: Hey, we should learn to drive them!

NEVILLE: *points to muffler* What is this hole for? Do you drive cars with your penis?

*awkward silence*

RON: I wish!

DUMBLEDORE: Ron, why would you want to put your penis in anything but me? And have you shown them your present yet?

HARRY: Considering we don't want to see it, no. And why must everything you two say be sexual?

DUMBLEDORE: Why not?

HARRY: Because we're not ALL gay!

HERMIONE: Well, you did say you're the only straight character in the story.

HARRY: So, you are a lesbian!

HERMIONE: Technically, I'm a guy now, so no.

HARRY: So, you do like girls! I win!

MALFOY: Hey, I've gotta penis and I wanna use it! How long are you going to keep stringing me along?

HARRY: Until you realize that you're being a big jerk! You're trying to make me do things I'm not comfortable with! *starts crying*

RON: Wow, it's not like you to be this sensitive, Harry.

HARRY: Well, you had to go and turn me into a girl! And worse than that you turned me into a girl on her monthly cycle!

MALFOY: WHAT? You're a dude?

RON: Oh, it's worse than that.

MALFOY: What could possibly be worse than THAT?

RON: Why don't you flip your girlfriend's hair back?

MALFOY: Ummm, ok. I really hope this girl's genitals aren't on her forehead like the last girl I brought home. *Flips Harry's hair back* OH MY GOD! IS THAT A MOTHERFRACKING LIGHTNING BOLT?

HARRY: Dammit Ron, you ruined everything! But I still get to keep all that expensive shit. Bye. *runs away*

MALFOY: Since I can't kill Harry, come here, ginger!

RON: Ahhh, Abra Cadabra. *turns Malfoy into a clown*

MALFOY: Well, I'll just be killing myself now.

SNAPE: *In his elf costume* Take me with you.

NEVILLE: Can we learn about cars, now?

*awkward silence*

NEVILLE: How was that awkward?

*awkward silence*

NEVILLE: Oh, come on!

*Cut to room in America with butterflies and guinea pigs*

HARRY: Tee-hee, I took refuge at the fanfic writer's place.

*Jess and Jessie, with guest-writer Derek, walk into Jess' room*

JESSIE: *to Jess* I kind of agree with Harry about the jelly bean/kidney bean debate.

DEREK: Not when you get a dirt-flavored one.

JESS: But you can't make jelly beans into chili and chili's flucking delicious! WTF is a naked female Harry doing on my bed?

HARRY: Uhhh, I have to feed Seamus.

JESSIE: No you don't! We wrote that as your copout!

JESS: Why are you naked?

DEREK: Put some clothes on, you perverted puppet! *To audience* I'm only saying that because I would get hit if I didn't ;)

HARRY: Can you make Malfoy not kill me before I go back?

JESS: But that would be OOC.

HARRY: You're having a conversation with one of your characters right now. I think we're past that point.

DEREK: We could just have Ron abra-cadabra Malfoy and make him forget everything.

JESS: But Ron can't control it.

DEREK: But we're the writers!

JESS: Ok, fine.

*Back at Hogwarts*

RON: Before, you both kill yourselves, abra cadabra!

MALFOY: What was I doing, just now?

SNAPE: You nearly mated with your-

HARRY: *Interrupting Snape* Noooooo, NO, NO, NO! *Duct tapes Snape's mouth* We were learning to drive!

NEVILLE: Why was it awkward when I said it?

RON: Because you want to drive it with your penis, and while I'm not against it, some people are.

DUMBLEDORE: Ok, you have to keep your hand on this do-hickey (latch to trunk) and keep your bum on this thingamabob (steering wheel) and put your penis in this thing (muffler).

NEVILLE: I was right!

HERMIONE: Somebody would have to be Mr. Fantastic to pull that off.

RON: Who's Mr. Fantastic?

HARRY: That's my porn name ;) Anyway, since I figured out what the car was, I should teach everyone how to drive it.

SNAPE: Why don't you let someone who knows how to drive teach?

HARRY: I don't listen to you in class, why would I listen to you now?

SNAPE: Because you might actually enjoy doing this, Mr. Potter.

HARRY: How do you know I'm a guy?

SNAPE: You make one ugly female. Anyway, you have to keep your-

RON: Who wants to see my present from Dumblycakes now?

HARRY: No one cares!

RON: But it's a movie that we can all watch together.

HARRY: Is this an actual movie that we can all watch together or is it about 2 guys nailing each other?

RON: Sadly, it contains no gay sex scenes. It's Hocus Pocus!

*Everything goes back to normal*

HARRY: I've got my penis back!

HERMIONE: I don't have one anymore! *sadly* But now women won't be attracted to me.

MALFOY: I AM GOING TO KICK HARRY'S ASS! Now that he's a guy again, I can't be reprimanded for it.

SNAPE: *out of elf costume* My dignity has slightly increased.

VOLDEMORT: I'm alive again!

HARRY: No one cares!

VOLDEMORT: Now, I can kill you!

HERMIONE: Go away, the plot doesn't demand you.

VOLDEMORT: Ok.

RON: What's a plot? Why are we talking like we're in a story?

HARRY: The real question is, why does Voldemort disappear every time we tell him to?

SNAPE: Because it gives him an excuse to masturbate in the bushes. Trust me, I saw him. Anyway, back to driving.

HARRY: I'M BORED NOW!

SNAPE: NO, I am going to teach you little brats how to drive, even if it puts me in the elf costume again!

DUMBLEDORE: How about a chauffeur costume? Now come on, Giggles, to the all-male ballet!

RON: They wear tutus and everything!

SNAPE: Why is my chauffeur name still Giggles?

DUMBLEDORE: I don't know.

*hears moan coming from the bushes*

DUMBLEDORE: Oooh, that bush just orgasmed! *goes to bush*

VOLDEMORT: *After interrupted masturbation* Uhhh, I have to go feed Seamus.

HARRY: Hey! That's my copout!

SEAMUS: Everyone stop trying to feed me! And take these jumper cables off my nipples!

HARRY: No, not until you eat all your Lucky Charms!

CEDRIC: *Singing* I'm a foot, I'm a foot, I'm a foot, I'm a foot, I'M A FOOT *Exits*

NEVILLE: Can we please learn how to drive now?

HERMIONE: Don't you know by now that we never actually get to the point of our story?

RON: What's a story?

*ROLL CREDITS*

* CREDITS STOP*

SNAPE: No, this story isn't over! I'm teaching you little urchins how to drive so that you don't hang around Hogwarts all day! Now, this is the steering wheel. You use it to turn. And you have to keep the long pedal pushed with your foot at all times.

RON: But like I told Dumbledore, our inferior puppet bodies don't have feet.

SNAPE: Then use Mr. Diggory. Now, where's the car?

NEVILLE: *Driving poorly* Aaaah! I'm about to run into a bush! *Hits bush*

VOLDEMORT: Ow, I was just about to cum!

HARRY: Driving's lame, let's go spend all the school's money on useless shit.

HERMIONE: If we can't drive, we'll have more time to bother Snape.

HARRY, RON, AND HERMIONE: Bother. bother, bother, bother…

SNAPE: Continue credits!

*CREDITS CONTINUE*

*AFTER CREDITS SCENE*

CEDRIC: *Dancing around the hallways singing 'I'm a Foot'*

DUMBLEDORE: *Kidnaps Cedric* Let's go, Cedric, me and Ron are off to the all-male ballet!

CEDRIC: NOOOO, I'm a foot, I'M A FOOOOOOOT!

*THE END*


End file.
